Webcam Modeling And Auto-Ethnography




When I first came across the term “Auto-Ethnography” I thought it meant “Autobiography – for smart people”. It took me a semester of actually looking at examples of auto-ethnographical research methods to understand that it was a lot more than just ‘advanced solipsism’. As I made the decision to start camming at around the same time, over the past few months, I’ve come to identify performing as a camgirl as a unique form of auto-ethnography, one that couldn’t have been possible before the advent of social media.

I’ve always believed that the way people approach a hobby or activity is largely shaped by the beliefs they bring to it. For example, I’ve had an exhibitionist streak in me long before I decided to become a camgirl and join webcam modelling sites, and those impulses played a critical role in how I developed my live cam shows.

Having been a camgirl for a while now (well, a little while, anyway), I now feel that part of the reason camgirls have a love-hate relationship with what they do is because of the beliefs they bring to camming. I’ve met and talked to girls who got into camming for a few months, thoroughly disliked it, and ended up having a negative impression of webcam modelling in general. Why did I not quit after a month? I’m really not any better than anyone else, I think it’s just because I had a healthy set of expectations when I got into it.

Not thinking of it as “work” was a huge one. But if not work, then what? I feel I can most accurately describe my approach to camming as auto-ethnography – – a way for me to explore social interaction, performance art and sexuality through active participation, instead of just being an outsider looking in.

As a student, I enjoy engaging in theory only insofar as it bleeds into my everyday life in some way. And I had many questions about things I was studying in my college courses — sociological effects of surveillance, for one thing. How does the fact that we now document and share our lives online affect the way we live our lives? I’m not sure, but I think this is called “Observer Effect”.

Working as a camgirl amplifies observer effect a thousand fold, of course, whether it does so for better or worse remains to be seen. But before I get into that, consider this: Have you ever been in a family home video of some sort? You know, those times when an enthusiastic family member pulls out their cellphone and starts recording a “slice of life” video clip of everyone at Christmas dinner? Ever noticed how, the second you notice you’re being filmed, you subtly change your behavior? It’s automatic, instinctive, and we don’t think twice about it.
Now, expanding on this line of thought, how do we respond to more subtle versions of that “camera-pointed-your-way” situation in everyday life?

Becoming a camgirl has allowed me to explore this “observer effect” more intensely than anything else I’ve ever done. For example, the phrase “just be yourself when you’re camming” becomes a lot less simplistic when you consider the fact that the “self” that you are may, in fact, transform into something completely different when you realize you’re being watched.

It’s quite impossible to study this from the “outside” – – how does one study personality from the outside anyway? Instead, I think of every day I cam as another chapter in a personal exploration. Of course it’s fun, it’s social, it’s just me having a great time and exploring my sexuality – – but one has to remember, exploring one’s sexuality doesn’t end at “being a ho” (although that’s the most fun part) – – it’s also a gateway into reflection, into understanding social reward and how our personalities are so, so malleable. It’s a way for me to find out just how deeply and fundamentally people are wired to construct their personalities around sexuality, body image and social acceptance. And yes, it’s a messy and emotional approach, but life is messy and emotional, too – – so if we’re going to understand our behavior better (and become a more evolved society in the process, hopefully), maybe it’s high time we embraced some of that mess, chaos and emotion.